The Pop In

I’ve never been fond of pop ins. Growing up I was never allowed to bring friends home after school. I’d open the door and yell out,”mom, are you naked?” Or Mom, Leisha is with me, can she come in?! The answer was always, the equivocal no. She’d, say, I don’t want strangers in the house. I also don’t ever recall having a sleep over or a slumber party throughout my teenage years. Don’t get me wrong, I could go to them, but couldn’t have them myself.

Strangely as I got older, I would have more and many people over. I’d throw parties in college and allow people to crash on my couch or dorm floor. The usual twenty something antics…however, as one female becomes more and more into fashion she has, shall we say, certain aspirations. Perhaps that’s not the word I am looking for. I started to get into my appearance.

You see having curly hair, naturally curly hair, causes it to be crazy in the morning. I am talking about…flat on the back, pushed to the side in the front, clownesque. I believe I just made up that word. So even the slightest thought of people popping by without me wearing makeup, or some various type of hair products to tame my curls wasn’t happening.

Years passed and I still would like some notice to spruce up the house and put together an ensemble. You know look pretty for me or them.

But lately I’ve craved a pop in from one individual…. its like I see myself in a Jane Austen novel but everyone is black with natural hair and I will sweetly say, ” do sit down”. He accepts and sits down like a proper gentleman. I come forth with a tray of tea… come on people! Beer. A tray of beer. I pour it sideways into a glass to have less foam.

He takes it.

He grabs my hand and says, Miss you are so thoughtful. I apologize for my pop in. I smile sweetly at him and say…. you can pop in anytime if you don’t mind my shabby appearance. He says, you’ve never looked lovelier.

I don’t really know you…

Remember when you were with your partner for eight years and they adored you? They loved to talk to you every morning, send you sweet texts, call you on the way home from work but now they don’t.

Sex was on their mind, constantly. Okay that’s a lie. Mostly yours. Why, because you’re amazing!!

Bike rides, house help, drinks, live music, dinners…good conversation, mindfulness, care, all are gone.

Then things changed drastically. They have no time for you. Not even a text or a phone call. You live three blocks away and he couldn’t be bothered. He’s too busy for YOU. He’s gotten all he wants and now you’re difficult. Too demanding.  Nothing.

It comes as a shock to be nothing after so many years.

Sorry folks but the breakup blog continues so settle in …it may be a few months for this gal to adjust to singledom.

But..in the end.. I am the lucky one. Free.
He wasn’t who I thought he was.
Sadly, it took me almost a decade to realize that.

No one reads this anyways…
If you do… I feel you slapping me.
I am awake and up.
No really.

I didn’t really know him.

Be careful what you wish for

I had for years wanted to be in my lovers world. By that I mean, getting the trips, a new car, the couple’s dinners, meeting old friends, family and neighbors etc.

It seemed ideal from the outside.

But then sad… as if he was happy, he wouldn’t have found me. Right?
And still keeps me around.

I finally had the opportunity last week to go THERE. It’s funny because after a break up , you try to stay friends and stay FRIENDLY. The thing is… do we really wanna see that world? We have been a secret for many years and even complained about it. The constant nagging of the lack of this and of that but who the fuck cares!

We are constantly told to want more. Go to college, get a good job, meet a nice partner, have kids, work harder, get a promotion, buy a house, get a nicer car. Work on finding someone to move forward to share a life with…etc, etc..blah blah blah.

However, no one ever says stay STILL? Are you happy? Does he make you happy? Friends have said, you deserve more..etc… but what if what you WANTED was enough? You can find your more.

You missed it. You miss the hand holding, the sex.. when you can get it. The days when he used to put his hands in your pants, like your smell, your taste, you smile, your jokes

They moved to friends mode.

You want to remain the lover, the confidant, the one. The nagging and challenges pushed him away.
Tasting the fruit was NOT for you.
The mistress is the only place I care to stay. No future, no nagging.
Just there.

If only friendship is available… she has to go, because that’s nit the role she wants to play.