It was the worst of times and the best of times. We all know where that’s from. But I feel like it’s the worst of times. The best isn’t here. Yet. I need to find it. 

I feel a sad blog coming on, quite unintentional. I think I am due one, as my father passed away last month. 

My mind is clouded. My heart aches. I feel abandoned which is normal with my background. He was 81 years old so it was his time. However, the emptiness is still there. The loss of his voice. Him. 

No more chats about old movies. 

Longmire.

My pet.

My love for his parents.

Guns. Life.

And now I have no one outside of family immediately available. I feel rejected by my old lover.  I feel saddened that he doesn’t say more. Do more. Hold my hand. Comfort me

 He listens. Motionless. Removed..

But there.

Hug me. Tell me I look nice or pretty. Tell me I am strong and will get through this. Tell me. I am special. Tell me you’re glad you met me..Tell me you’re happy I am in your life. Tell me you miss me. 

But he doesn’t. I am alone. 

Death or not. My only truth is hope.

So I go about things. It’s monotonous. If I didn’t have a pet to tend to, I would lay around, watching old movies, drinking vodka cranberries in the bath tub and sit still. Waiting for life to tell me what to do. Who to trust? Where to go? Not suicide or anything just sadness. Feel it. Embrace it. 

This isn’t me.